Just like you guys probably received this morning, I woke up one morning to a FB notification that said I’ve been added to a LASH BASH Facebook Party for 3D Fiber Mascara, this was about a week and a half ago. At that particular moment I rolled my eyes so hard I nearly detached a retina. Are you effing kidding me? How are they adding me to these parties without my consent and what happened to a good old fashioned RSVP? It used to be bullying if you didn’t invite someone but now it’s bullying if you decide not to go. So, you’re just auto-included because groups are not exclusionary, invitations are.
Anyway, I actually did need a refill of my 3D mascara so I decided to go to the party page to see who was hosting it. These parties are all the same, I’m invited to buy something and whatever I spend goes toward the hostess’s rewards which are usually free gifts. So, given the choice I’d rather spend $30 when buying from someone who would appreciate it. In this case it was a girlfriend from college who is actually very sweet and she’s pregnant with her first child so I decided I’d spend $100. I think makeup makes you feel beautiful and always fits always no matter what weight you gain in your belly or booty, so I wanted to help her reach her goal (she looks beautiful by the way!) Plus, I assumed not many people would be buying the mascara, doesn’t everyone already have it?
A couple of days later I noticed I was getting a notification every time someone posted in the lash bash group, whether I knew that person or not… this would have probably been pretty annoying but I honestly don’t mind getting notifications about conversations going on that have absolutely nothing to do with me. Sometimes my best friend sends me text screenshots between her and people I’ve never even met and like any other BFF, I give her my opinion on these people’s life choices. It’s called being a good friend.
I was notified each time the hostess/Presenter thanked the people who bought from the party and literally like three dozen people bought something in the first couple of days. Was there a sudden influx of Amish refugees to Facebook? Because if you’ve been exposed to WiFi and Facebook, how could you NOT know about 3D Lashes?
I eaves dropped long enough to come up with a theory. Younique 3D Fiber Mascara is pretty much the ice bucket challenge of multilevel marketing on Facebook. Blah, blah those wraps, blablabla, well you know what not everyone wants to diet or drink green powders or wear face masks in the name of physical fitness okay but EVERYONE wants to save the boobies, find a cure for ALS and provide a solution to the bald eye ball. It’s universal humanity. It’s just the right thing to do.
According to my local Subway, ice water is pretty much free so the ALS challenge is an easy bandwagon to hop on but when it comes to becoming an Eyelid Activist, spilling a drink on yourself or on a friend who happens to be wearing falsies in the bar might wash off a set of glued on spider legs but that’s about as impactful as it gets. To be an effective Lash-tivist (I’m trademarking that) you actually have to pledge at least $29 to join the fight against random girls winking at EVERYONE in the club involuntarily because their eye lid is tragically glued shut. Your financial contribution will also prevent early morning Lisa “Left Eye” house fires by making sure you and your loved ones are one less lonely girl waking up with a hangover and text messages you’re afraid to read with a spider adhered to your pillowcase…although the only way to kill a spider is a blazing inferno, which I’m willing to bet would be a solid defense strategy, usually it’s just a displaced eyelash from your sleep of shame and in that case arson is frowned upon pretty much always. I think it’s a felony, but let’s not pursue the specifics of temporary insanity, k? And lastly, boycotting false lashes will send a message to adhesive manufacturers from sea to shining sea letting let them know that their labels are bullshit. Fuck GMO’s okay I’m pretty sure if there’s no pumpkin in the pumpkin spice latte then I’m drinking a chemical experiment and I’m fine with that because at least it’s honest. You know what’s not honest? People who make their Facebook Status’s locked to unknown people. I always want to know who they’re hiding from. What else isn’t honest? The unfair business practice of skin safe super glues taking advantage of the fact that just because I put their glue on the one spot on my whole entire body that I cannot actually see for myself, mirror or not, they claim said glue dries CLEAR which technically means “not visible to the naked eye”. Well that’s freaking odd because my eye is not naked if there’s a synthetic strip of hair glued to the hood and all other eyes who view this add-on falsie on my face are able to see RUBBER CEMENT EYELINER above my lash line and below my smudged smokey eyeliner. I don’t even have to be close enough to hear them talking shit and they can see it, under fluorescent lighting I’m sure it glows like Hillary Duff’s veneers. All we need to do is just walk past one black light and “invisible when dry” or “dries clear” means white as deodorant marks and invisible like toothpaste spots in a bathroom selfie. If you’re buying false eyelashes of any kind, you’re contributing to the problem. Take a good look in your bathroom mirror, see white spots? Get some Windex and own your splatter. Does this picture look familiar? Admitting you have a problem is the first step.
If you think a girl’s night out glue on is a pain in the ass, let me tell you about extensions. As an eye lash extension survivor (2011, My Wedding), I endured 6 hours of individual lash application over 3 individual sessions during a 2 week period. A normal person with nothing better to do could probably bang this type of thing out in like 2.5 hours but complications from my ADD/the fact that I was planning a wedding got in the way. Needless to say there were scheduling conflicts, personality conflicts, conflicts of interest (I was no longer interested) and conflicts with my mom because what’s new? Not only did I subject myself to fidgeting/blinking/sneezing/pee emergencies and a long term commitment with a stranger who was dangerously close to my eye ball with chemicals and small tweezers, I paid to have this happen. I’m rounding up to 6 hours but I’m not exactly sure about session number 2 because I took a potty break and then ran away (I don’t even know why, probably because of some emotional outburst I was due to have and not in the mood for, you know, #BrideProblems) this made session #3 a little awkward but I was getting a weave in my eyelashes…is anything other than awkward a legit option? I had false lashes, not false expectations.
All in all I paid $280 in cash money and the equivalent of getting my period in public in loss of human dignity/self-respect. Not to mention, the fumes of the glue used for this process felt exactly what I imagine it feels like to be Pepper Sprayed. I don’t know for sure but I burped jalapeno my entire 3rd trimester so I know what peppers in my face feel like so just trust me. In fact, speaking of shady labels Elle Woods would object to, this eyeball glue was labeled HYPOALLERGENIC. I actually can’t argue that because I believe it really was “hypoallergenic” but only because every orifice of my face watered so much that any allergen/irritant was flushed away before it had a chance to bother me.
Paying a technician to skillfully mace you in the face while you lie perfectly still is probably something most women would consider, it’s not far stretch from a Brazilian Wax and the guarantee of luscious, long, dark eye lashes for an entire sunnies season is pretty promising. The reality is, I ended up getting 15 wishes per day due to lash shed for a solid 5 weeks…female pattern eyelash baldness is really hideous by the way and I was back to wearing falsies by my honeymoon. “Human hair bonded to your own lashes for a natuaral look”. K, liar.
Confession: I’ve never tried Latisse but I know the warning label includes blindness. I’m familiar with what gluing one-eyed shut does to my quality of life so I’m just not even willing to entertain loss of sight. Plus, I wouldn’t even know for sure that I didn’t look like an asshole after all that. I don’t recommend this option, but consult with your doctor if you’re suddenly into risk taking behavior.
K, back to my point…I promise there was one. I’m here to tell you that 3D Fibers mascara replaces ALL of the above L’issues with better
results, consistently and in less than 5 seconds and you’ve been invited to a Facebook 3D Fiber Lashes Party because I care about you (or someone I know does) and you deserve better. You deserve to go anywhere you want in any little black dress with BOTH eyeballs wide open (or whatever is reasonably expected based on your BAC). You should be able to get drunk and scream “turn down for what!” like it actually means something without hearing the little voice inside your head (or your bitch friend) saying something to the effect of, “Turn down your lid is what some rubber cement did honey, you can’t turn up cause it’s glued shut…Just saying, no offense”.
Real friends don’t make light of eye-patch problems. I’m the kind of friend that would realize you’re talking to me from across the room with your right eye but your left eye is accidentally winking at some dude. Instead of embarrassing you, I’d request the song by Third Eyed Blind that no one knows the words to and you could read my lips while I tell you to get ready to escape this creeper. Then I’d request Drake, “I’ve got my eyes on you”, to clue you in as soon as the creeper became mobile and in pursuit of that fine ass followed by “Eyes Closed” by Kanye West so you know there only way to get out of this situation is with absolutely NO eye contact with the creeper and then I’d follow that up with “I see you baby, shaking that ass” (shaking that lash) just to make you feel better about looking like a pretty pirate with Tourette’s while you walk away from the perp.
But, I can’t always be your seeing eye wingman. I also haven’t requested a song in a bar since 2006. Luckily with 3D Mascara you dont’ have to worry. One payment of $29 gets you a three month supply of 3D Fibers. That’s less than 30 cents a day. Yes, this is the same amount of money it takes to save Sarah McLachlan’s pets and your false eye lashes look just like one of them except glued to your face. It’s sad. Seriously.
In the EYES of an angel…
How can you be sure it’s right for you? If you have a face and a vagina you fall into one of the following categories:
- You need to buy Younique 3D Mascara
- You need to buy Younique 3D Mascara AGAIN (because trying it any not loving it is not a realistic option).
In closing I’d like to just say THANK YOU for shopping my party and helping me earn hostess rewards, I’ll be giving these to friends as Christmas gifts because I happen to own enough make up to choke RuPaul. If you’ve ever helped me poke my own self in the eye while applying falsies (Becca, ahem) I’m not saying our time together wasn’t special and I’ll never forget those special moments but I’ve simply moved on. Just know that every time my daughter pokes me in the eye, I’ll think of you. Every time you apply your 3D mascara, don’t think of me…think of this bitch and then text me and thank me that you’re not her.
You’re welk! Shop here–> https://www.youniqueproducts.com/KristenLeggio/party/911320/view