Today I was minding my own business just scrolling through my Facebook News Feed….
Then this popped up:
I blame men. The first cuisine a woman chooses, the guy always says no. We know that so we have to start out with a place we don’t want to go, but then argue a little so by the time we get to the 4th or 5th option the guy actually begs us to pick what he thinks is his idea. Don’t men ever wonder how they started out protesting Outback Steakhouse like this…?
” No wonder Mel Gibson lost his damn Australian mind, that’s what happens when a man pays $15 for a deep fried onion served by a teenager dressed like she’s on Safari. And who’s that other crazy Aussie? The one that thought it was a good idea to marry Miley Cyrus? That’s called effed up perception and poor decision making skills. This right there is what happens to a man who believes a 45 cent onion dipped in canola oil is worth $15. Nope. No way. Not gonna happen”.
And then end up demanding Ruth’s Chris like this…?
“Listen, I am not going into hypoglycemic shock just because you’re unwilling or unable to appreciate a $40 spear of Asparagus the size of small tree that took probably 3 years to grow, sorry it’s not instant gratification, sorry a blooming onion would have me coming in an emergency bathroom situation like a wrecking ball. You know what? I’m so low blood sugar I can’t even argue anymore. I never meant to start a war, either we’re going to Ruth’s Chris to enjoy prime 30 day aged beef or we’re gonna peacefully sit here and starve like Ghandi.” #Fine
For the record, if I was in a hurry I would have just said to my husband, “Why can’t I eat a deep-fried onion, what are you trying to say? Are you calling me fat?” End of discussion.
A few minutes after I made a comment blaming men for indecisive dining, my friend Carlos bravely stood up against man bashing in the name of husbands everywhere.
He wrote: “I’m sorry Emily, but we’re going to go all “Facebook political argument” on this topic and I have to defend my fellow brethren husbands. First, your response just proves that men are more logical and not looking for an emotional debate in something as simple as “What do you want to eat?” When a question is asked you should respond, and when you respond you should answer honestly. For men in this situation, we answer honestly. For example, if my wife asks. “What color should the curtains be in the guest room?” And I answer, “I don’t care!” That means I. DON’T. CARE! I have no interest in coordinating colors for a room so I let her decide. “I DON’T CARE” doesn’t mean… “I prefer warmer/earthly colors but if she chooses something else I’m going to voice my opinion until she names my choice.” Now, doesn’t that sound ridiculous? Yea, that’s how you women sound. If you want something; say something. It’s simple, it doesn’t have to turn into a guessing game. Or at least say “I don’t care, just not Chinese.” Can a brother get an “Amen” from his bros?!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman with a blog.
Dear Everybody’s Husband,
Let me explain something to you all, in a linear, logical, manly way. I’ll just be completely honest, since it sounds like you’re into that….Sometimes I call my BFF Bex for no other reason than to talk shit about Jane Doe. Now, if Jane Doe found out I would feel TERRIBLE because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. All I want to do is state the facts and then bond over a shared view of what those facts do or do not mean. For example, Jane Doe wore pasties to a pool party. Fact. Our shared opinion? All together now…JANE DOE IS A MOTHA FUGGIN HOE!!!
Another option (besides talking shit) is the passive aggressive statement about “People”.For example: “People who need to wear sunscreen on their areola should probably not be at a kid’s pool party”. The purpose of the passive aggressive status about the very specific “People” is to let Jane Doe know she’s being a hoe…I just don’t want to be the one to inform her.
Instead, I’ll just address the one specific “People”…Those Jane Doe’s trollin with a guilty conscience and invisible tan lines can just draw their own conclusions. I don’t want to tell Jane Doe that she specifically is a “MOTHA FUGGIN HOE” because that would make me a BITCH. I just want Jane to come to the realization by her own damn self so that we can make the world a better place…one less hoe, no new bitches.
Since men are supposedly rational and logical, you can obviously see that the Jane Doe Hoe method sounds familiar…It’s the EXACT same thing as baby wanted 12 lemons, or this popular reoccurring argument…
Wife: I don’t want you to do the dishes because I’ll nag you if you don’t do the dishes. I want you to do the dishes because you want to do the dishes.
Guys Everywhere:But I really just don’t like doing dishes
Geez guys, there’s no reason to get so emotional, no one said you had to like it. Okay so now is the part where I drop some science on you after saying things like mother fuggin hoes and bitches. Let’s talk about a few of my heroes…
Hedy Lamar She’s a female pioneer in the field of wireless communication from the 1940’s. She manipulated radio frequencies at irregular intervals between transmission and reception to form a literally unbreakable code. This is how secret messages were transmitted without the Nazi’s being able to intercept. A Code no man could make sense of…
Barbara Askins She was a NASA chemist and she invented a way to use radioactive waves to enhance underexposed photographic negatives. This made visible the invisible in photos including getting data from underexposed space images—such as those peering deep into space as well as those highlighting the geology of other bodies in our solar system. Seeing invisible data, #nofilter…
Dr. Grace Murray Hopper She’s was an Ivy League mathematician and the inventor of an entire language for a business computers. she is also credited with coming up with the word “de-bugging’ ‘and she invented the first compiler which translates source code into programming language. Invented an brand new language out of Code…
Rachel Zimmerman She’s the inventor of the Blissymbol Printer. This machine enables non-speaking people to point to symbols which are then translated into language and sent via email. A machine that reads the mind…
What do all of these amazing women, myself, your wife and the hoe and bitch from earlier have in common? The unique skills and ability to make connections and derive meaning from the innocuous or invisible. Women are effing amazing! We use facial expressions, intonation, body language, telepathy, foot stomping, pursed lips…limitless combinations of these actions are what make the word “Fine” mean anything ranging from “I care as much as I would if I had Amnesia” to “Fuck Off”.
If your wife asks you what color you prefer, she’s not asking you if you care or not. She’s asking you to choose an effing color. No one has “caring” feelings for a color anyway, who are you Buddy the Elf? She’s asking because she values your opinion and she is taking your ideas into consideration before she makes a decision that you’ll both have to live with.
If you don’t care about that then be prepared to stand down the next time The Home Run Derby airs at the same time as The Bachelorette.
You’re welk! -AE